Positive and negative can neutralise each other? Wrong!

Negative emotions are very powerful and not easily diminished by being rational. It has been said that reason is what happens consciously but emotions are fuelled by beliefs we hold in our subconscious.

Similarly, a negative event can't be overcome by a positive thought or reaction. Negative and positive are not even on the same spectrum, although the self-help personal development industry believes they are. But think about it. Our ancient past was often a dangerous place, and those who survived were the ones who reacted to danger by running away or by fighting it. Imagine this scenario: "Hmm, a growl from the bushes over there could mean a lion, but this beehive I've just found seems to have so much delicious honey, I'll think I'll just stay and have some." You can imagine the outcome.

So if positive and negative don't cancel each other out, can we quantify the difference? There is good research that shows negative reactions are five times stronger than positive ones. For example, the Gottman Institute has been keeping careful track of what makes for a successful relationship: for every negative interaction, such as conflict to be neutralised there have to be five or more positive interactions. If the ratio is only 1:1 -- one positive to every negative, the chances are the relationship will fail.

Often we seem to be caught out by unpleasantness, and if it takes us unawares it can often trigger a powerful response that we may later regret or have to unpick. One way to deal with this is to expect unpleasantness will happen, by being prepared. The Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius kept a personal journal and in his notes to himself he writes, "Say to yourself in the early morning: I shall meet today inquisitive, ungrateful, violent, treacherous, envious, uncharitable men." Why are they like this? Because they cannot tell the difference between what is good and what isn't!"

In other words, learn to expect unpleasantness from unpleasant people who don't know better.

Just as his journal helped him keep track of how what was important to him, so too keeping a journal will help us. Many of us keep a "Gratitude Journal" - noting three things each day for which we are grateful. This helps us to be aware of the good things in life, and the more we look for them, the more we find. But the journal can be more than just listing gratitude. We can note challenges, and how well, or not, we reacted to difficult situations -- particularly after the heat of the moment has cooled. We could also note inspirational advice or issues we need to work on.

I have yet to meet anyone who regularly keeps a journal who doesn't find it essential.

Negative and positive are not polar opposites in our minds. Recognising the power of negativity helps us ensure we can take steps to control it, rather than letting negativity control us.